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I Weep For Cinema

Batwoman (2019) Pilot Episode

In honnor of Eric’s Birthday, I am going to do something a bit different for this review, I’m going to live blog/tweet this viewing. It seems like the right thing to do.

9:00: Alright! Here we go! I’ve heard some rumblings about this, and as much as I say I hate DC shows, this can’t be that bad.

9:01: Ugh, I forgot how much I hate Ruby Rose….

9:02: Seriously, we had to pick this chick to be Batwoman? Just because they made her lesbian doesn’t mean we have to cast one of the ugliest lesbian actresses ever… I’d rather see Ellen in the Batwoman role, at least it’d be intentionally funny.

9:03: Wait, so Batman just shows up in broad daylight and saves random families instead of catching criminals? And then just leaves before the job is done?!!

9:04: So…. Batman has left Gotham for 3 years and is missing… Which Batman is this? What Continuity is this in? 

9:05: I never pay attention to name credits in the middle of a scene, but one just popped up and it just says “Gray Horse Rider” Look it up on IMDB

9:10: Um… Is this a 2003 fan film? Because the shots and the way they are setup look like an amateur fan film trying to use an IP and not get sued.

9:11: So… let me guess. This chick is the main bad guy, and she’s using a lot of Mad Hatter looking stuff… I’m gonna guess her name is Alice.

9:13: She wears a ruby and her name is RUBY….GET IT???!!!??!

9:15: “Kate, it’s Mary your stepsister” “Yes Mary I know who you are, our parents were married 10 years ago”…. Boy, it looks like someone doesn’t know how to write exposition.

9:16: LESBIANS!!! Cuz’… You know, the main actress is a lesbian in real life!

9:17: “Nice neck tattoo” jump cut feels like B roll was used to cover up a bad take. Who edited this?

9:20: So… Kate is Bruce’s cousin? Uhhhh… No.

9:21: Obligitory lesbian kiss again just to make sure you know she’s a lesbian. We hear that’s the in thing right now.

9:23: I’m starting to think Gotham is just 100% CGI and this is actually airing on the Sci-Fi channel.

9:23: No not, Sy-fi. That will never be a thing.

9:25: There is some weird vinnetting around the corners of the screen and some bad “wide angle” shots to make me feel like everything is bad CGI and trying to cover stuff up.

9:30: Token cool black teen Luke Fox here to pimp up your TV show with some wiggity wack cool young versions of characters who should be about 40 years older.

9:30: WHAT CONTINUITY IS THIS?!?!?!?! Are we in the Dark Knight trilogy? Are we in Bat Whofleck-verse? Is Beetlejuice going to show up?

9:32: I love server rooms where the servers have to be turned off because they are so loud and each rack is tricked out in sick gamer RGB lighting.

9:35: Firing a gun in an elevator causes permanent hearing loss. Just ask Linda Hamilton. 

9:36: Throwing a cast iron skillet through the air like it’s a frisbee would take superhuman strength. 

9:37: So the bad guy is just a female Mad Hatter, who’s name is Alice… and apparently she knows Kate extremely well. I’m gonna guess it’s her sister.

9:39: Apparently work, in a cop’s precinct is the place you air your family’s dirty laundry in public. I guess DC couldn’t afford more than 2 sets for their new Batman spinoff show.

9:40: Everything feels so rushed. I’m thinking Ed Wood came back from the dead to direct this.

9:41: Bruce Wayne and Wayne Enterprises leave Gotham 3 years ago. Batman suddenly vanishes from Gotham 3 years ago…. And NO ONE MAKES THE CONNECTION?!?!! Did Joker poison the water supply again?

9:42: Oh right, we have to make the entire cast of heroes diversity driven and the white people are the bad people. Because judging someone based on the color of their skin is wrong. Except whites… we hate those crackers.

9:44: Did the writer for Alice have to include every single possible Alice in Wonderland line in the span of this episode? In the like 2 minutes of screen time I think I’ve heard everything except for “Why is a Raven like a -” Uh… nevermind.

9:45: Watching two chicks in costumes roll around trying to act/fight…. Is just silly and should never be shown. I can’t take this seriously.

9:46: Really?!

9:46: Really?!

9:46: Really?! Did they just make them fall of a building and land right in the middle of a single twin sized mattress? F#@K YOU TV SHOW!!!!

9:48: Oh man… this is some of the sloppiest thrown together CGI I’ve ever seen. It makes Deep Blue Sea look like Jurassic Park.

9:50: BatWOMAN, WOMAN cops, WOMAN reporters, WOMAN badguys- er I mean badWOMANS!!!

9:52: So Alice is Kate’s sister. 

9:53: This seems written so predictable and shortsighted as a show can possibly be. It’s like they already know they are going to get canceled so they are getting a whole story arch and months and seasons worth of story into a few episodes.

DC Comics. The once great empire that told stories that, although featured fantastical heroes and elements, were mostly rooted in the raw human emotions. Most of my fondest memories reading their comics were things like my all time favorite graphic novel Identity Crisis. It revolves around the death of Plastic Man’s wife and how it happened and the true sadness and a feeling of nothing else matters that comes from losing a spouse. 

Since the reboot of “The New 52” DC has been on a self destructive course the likes of which we have never seen before. Every new piece of content they produce somehow tries to interconnect to each other with crossovers and story arcs that try to replicate the Marvel Cinematic Universe. “Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery” as they say…. Except this imitation, when done wrong really shows how much that phrase can mean nothing at all.

The character of Batwoman is one that I’ve always hated, ever since they relaunched her to be  a lesbian, because “we have to have social politics in everything now!” The fact that it was promoted in such a way that it was all over the news and gay magizines (yeah, really) shows you how much this wasn’t a artistic choice, but a political one. Which doesn’t belong in comics. They should be about the art and not try to push some agenda. 

As the years have gone on, I’ve honestly lost track with how many DC shows they are trying to put out. It’s like they are trying to flood the market with oversaturation and a race to bargain bin straight to Crackle streaming services. Arrow, Flash, Supergirl, Titans, Swamp Thing, Pennyworth, Gotham, Doom Patrol… and this new one. Batwoman. 

Batwoman stars butch dyke supreme Ruby Rose. I wasn’t a fan of her when she showed up on Orange Is The New Black, and when she got transferred to maximum security prison at the end of that season, I actually applauded. Her portrayal of Batwoman’s Kate Something or other is as bland as can be. She’s got one acting range, “Bitchy”. Her resting face puts Billy Idol’s sneer to shame… in fact, they could have just gotten Billy Idol instead, I mean they look the exact same. 

From the opening moments, this show pushes the “Sisters are doin’ it for themselves” agenda of post-Weinstein Hollywood. Every shot has Kate snarkily reply to a man with some pithy quip about how she can do it on her own and she doesn’t play by anyone’s rules, not even her own. For whatever reason she is in the Arctic receiving some sort of training from Nanook the eskimo. This isn’t explained why she is there or what she is doing, isn’t ever referenced in the episode and she’s clearly never going back there by the end of the episode. It serves absolutely no purpose at all. 

We then get some acid trip where 90% of the frames hate this show so much they don’t even show up, and we see an origin flashback that gets brought back more times than Bruce’s parents getting murdered by Jack Torrance. While taking a nice summer drive through the country a car accident happens and the car teeters on the edge of a conveniently located bridge. Luckily Batman shows up, like he does in complete daylight to help save someone from a car accident. I’m assuming Superman is brooding in a damp well and planning how to kill everyone since it’s opposite day. 

Back in Gotham, narraration tells us the stupid audiance morons that Batman has disapeared from the city he protects for the last three years. We never would have known that without the narration instead of just waiting a few moments and listening to the dialog where the city has gathered the press to televise the turning off of the Batsignal since Batman hasn’t shown up in three years. 

Basically since criminals run rampant in Gotham a new private military police shows up to enforce the law, since Batman won’t. Obviously Kate’s father is the Commissioner Gordon and he has one of his crew taken by the Halloween knock off of “Sexy Mad Hatter”. Alice seems like she has a solid reason for attacking and capturing this single diverse minority police officer and killing all the single while males who keep us down like the man wants.

Low and behold, this officer, just happens to be the lover of Kate from her past. This is made painfully obvious by showing several gratuitous lesbian kissing scenes just so we know Kate is a lesbian and is homosexual. We wouldn’t want people to think they weren’t all inclusive on their hiring process we got TWO lesbians on our show and we can make them kiss… because… LESBIANS!!!

Kate gets a call from her sister Mary. how do we know its her sister? Well the excellent dialogue, you silly goose! Kate picks up the phone and we get this beautifully written exchange of thoughts and ideas. “Kate it’s me Mary, your sister!” “Yes Mary, I know you are my sister, our dad and mom married each other ten years ago” It’s like the writers have never written dialogue for actual humans who have met each other before. There is this big issue in writing movies and shows, where they use the phrase “As you all know” to start a long diatribe of exposition. The reason this is bad, is because, if they all know what they are about to hear, then why would you say it? It serves no purpose and only is there for the audience to catch up. If you did your job well, that can be conveyed without just spouting a whole monologue of information. 

So Kate’s lover was kidnapped by WoMad Hatter and Kate takes it on herself to track her down, she starts at her cousin’s abandoned building where she somehow happens to know that there was a surveillance camera footage of the kidnapping. Oh yeah, her cousin… Bruce Wayne. Her cousin’s Abandon Building… Wayne enterprise. All boarded up and abandoned for 3 years. As she is grabbing the footage, a tween security guard busts in (who is doing security for a 3 year old abandoned building?) Meet young Luke… Luke Fox… as in Lucius Fox. Homeboy is more scared and frightened than Shaggy and Scooby before a Scooby Snack. 

As Kate uses her dad’s totally real CSI equpiment to “Enchance” the blurry pixelated footage to pristene 8K rendered clarity, she deduces that her lesbian seagul is being held hostage at an abandon orphanage. Once she gets there, she fights off multiple bad guys and then gets captured by Alice and her Tweedle Doofus goons. She is face to face with Alice, the predictable quote spewing Mad Hatter ripoff as she monologues better than Dr. Evil ever could about placing her in an easily escapable trap while she reveals entirely too much. 

As Kate regains consciousness again, she wakes up in another abandoned building, this time as her sister Mary, who is her sister! Operates on her. Luckily for Kate, Mary is a doctor with a secret practice in an abandoned building that she doesn’t have to pay rent for, yet all the utilities are still on. What a random amount of fortunate luck!

Kate goes back to Wayne Enterprises and uses her Psych ability to notice that a necklace has been moved ever so slightly. While Fox tries to bust mad rhymes, she just happens to stumble on the Batcave. While she walks around jaw-agaped, she sees the batsuit who’s chest section looks like it’s been stretched out a bit too much… like it was made for a woman instead….

As we get to see what Batman’s suit would look like if he was a post-op tranny, Kate finally puts 2 and 2 together. Bruce Wayne has been gone for 3 years…. Batman has been gone for 3 years at the same exact time… there is a secret underground cave in Wayne Enterprises…. Filled with Bats….. Seriously? No one in Gotham could put these things together?

So Alice shows up to Movie in the Park night to blow up the around 15 people who would be stupid enough to hang out in a Warner Brothers Backlot to watch a movie in the middle of October. Gordon-lite get’s a call from Alice saying that he has a choice, either save the morons dumb enough to freeze to death to see a movie on a projector in the park, or save his officer employee. 

Batwoman shows up in her modded motorcycle helmet that looks like it was built for Will Smith (I actually don’t think he has big ears, but it was the only reference that I could think of for how the motorcycle helmet looked) and as Alice uses up the rest of her Wonderland quotes, she let’s Kate’s lover plummet to her death.

In what I can only describe as “we don’t know, just let us go home” style of writing, Batwoman leaps off the building and catches her former lover in the air, and they fall off the side of a multistory building, landing smack dab in the middle of a tiny twin size mattress that was perfectly placed. Allowing them to cuddle together and perform the Disney branded “will they/won’t they” almost kiss… because they are lesbians!!!!

As Kate runs away before she can kiss the love of her life, she floats away in some of the worst CGI for a show I’ve ever seen. As Kate kicks it with homeslice Fox in the Batcave, she notices Alice’s knife has the same ruby she and her sister had as kids. While Fox beatboxes some important info that they never found her sister’s body from the car crash at the beginning of the show, she starts to think “What if Alice is my sister” something we as the audience figured out about 38 minutes earlier.

Batwoman is a show that doesn’t need to exist. It only does to push an agenda. Because we all know the market is already way oversaturated with low quality TV shows about superheroes in  a dark and gritty real world setting. Batwoman exists to make sure everyone know lesbians exist and that ugly lesbains who have no acting skills can still get work because if you raise enough of a fuss… people will bend to your every whim in media.

I expected the worst, and I got it. But honestly, I feel like, even though I haven’t watched any of those other thousands of shows DC puts out, it’s probably around the same quality as this. This has the unfortunate issue of making a show for the homos who need to base their identity on a gay superhero so they can feel validated. DC has already shown time and again for years and years that their shows and movies suck. And this show is no different. The pacing and the editing that went into this first pilot episode feels like it was made as quick and as cheap as possible. Nothing about it screams care or time or effort went into making it. But I expect nothing less than that when it comes to DC. They continually show they have zero clue why people liked their stuff to begin with. This show is void of that human emotion that I talked about earlier. 

When you make something to push an agenda, be it yours or someone else’s, instead of making it because you want to make something interesting. It becomes this. Pure Trash void of any life.