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I Weep For Cinema

Sonic Bomb…

As someone who really, genuinely likes the early Sonic games, I hate everything gaming has done to the franchise in the last couple decades. Sonic, at its core is a fun platforming game based mainly on vertically on its levels. Not Speed. Yes, the character is mainly defined by his love of speed and going fast, but that really isn’t what any of the games are about. Sure, in Green Hill Zone 1, you can hold right and beat the level pretty easily, but try that with any other level in any other of the games in the series. You can’t. Period. It’s a PLATFORMING game, just like Mario. No mario games are known as Hold right simulators. So why is Sonic?

Because of the internet at large. These awful idiots who think memes are the greatest thing in the known world. They have turned a decent character platformer into a joke. A big annoying, unfunny joke. “Gotta go fast’ is something Sonic never said before, but some dumbass drew a badly drawn picture with insanely good skills at being  horrible and made a meme that got associated with Sonic to the point that everyone has to immediately say “Gotta Go Fast!” as soon as Sonic is even mentioned.

 

The Sonic games aren’t all bad though, the first 5 games: 1, 2, 3, Sonic & Knuckles, and CD were all great games. Some extremely good platforming levels that require skill to get through, amazingly memorable music, and some decent story as well. Then there was his foray into 3D with games like Adventure, which was decent on Dreamcast, even if the 3D world, writing and controls aren’t perfect. It was a fun enough game that did make anyone hate it. Then Adventure 2 came out with an emphasis on the other characters and a lot of random searching for hidden items. … then everything else. The switch to 3D is what made Sonic games bad.

 

When Sega tried to change it back to 2D, it just didn’t work. Why? Because they couldn’t get the physics right. Everything felt like a flash game and even some of the animations felt weird too. Once they hired actual real Sonic fans and fan game creators to make Sonic Mania, it was applauded as a great Sonic game. They were able to do what Sega could never do again and said was impossible to get right.

 

So that brings us to the movie. My biggest question is not just why, but Why Now? Seriously, why now? Sonic hasn’t been relevant in decades. The biggest push for Sonic was back in the early and mid 90’s. With a successful series of games, and not just one, but TWO cartoon shows, why would they choose now to release a movie based on the character and not one 25 years earlier?

 

The reason? The internet. Again, the people who ironically buy the Sonic games and stream it because it’s “so bad”. The morons who post nothing but “Gotta Go Fast” anytime speed is talked about. The mouth breathers who say they hate everything about Sonic, yet never shut up about it. These are the people who brought this movie to life.

 

I question how much these people “hate” Sonic. Since they talk about at any given point, buy all the games, play them all the time, speedrun them and devote so much time to telling everyone how terrible they are…. It’s like the boy who pushes the girl who he secretly likes. It’s the same thing. Them actively devoting so much time to it, makes me believe they actually LOVE Sonic more than anything else.

 

What bothers me is how this movie is being handled. Why is it CGI? We already know from Sonic CD and Sonic Mania, that an animated version wouldn’t only be awesome, it works and would be beautiful. Why is is live action/CGI? With the major push of a lot of children’s movies making a full CGI picture would  be ignored by adults. All live action would be ignored by children. So have it half and half. Half appealing to children and half appealing to adults.

 

Then we look at the plot. From what it looks like with the amount of dialog we have. Sonic is an alien and the government is there to capture him. A specialist is sent in to help and this is where Dr. Ivo Robotnik shows up. Now we have a Looney Tunes, Road Runner Vs Wile E Coyote Esque back and forth that results in Robotnik going bald and growing an insanely long red mustache….

 

The original plots weren’t that complicated, nor that bad. Robotnik was enslaving animals and Sonic was freeing them and foiling Robotnik’s plans in the process…. It can’t be that hard to recreate that. Making it laughably silly seems like an over correction to a very simple solution.

Then we have the actual trailer. Good grief…. The over reliance on the Sonic ring sound, which I’m assuming more people associate with Gas Station cash registers instead of a nod to the original Sonic games. Casting Jean Ralphio is a solid choice, but if you are going to cast Jean Ralphio, utilize his voice! Sonic sounds just like some actor doing a normal voice. There is no nuance, there is no uniqueness to the voice that makes it grab your attention. Jim Carrey seems like he is doing a Jim Carrey role. For Robotnik, I loved that he was originally a super genius bent on world domination. But as the years droned on, he has become a bumbling dufus. He seems to be looked at as a pillar of the scientific community in the beginning of the trailer, but then reverts to childish juvenile mocking. I love Jim  Carrey, I love him as a crazy weirdo that we all fell in love with on In Living Color, Ace Venture and I loved him in his serious roles like The Majestic, Truman Show and even Number 23. I think he can be a good Robotnik, but what they showed, makes me wish they shot the person who wrote the script instead.

 

The musical choice for the trailer is probably the most tone deaf, weird, awkward and bad choice for music since Wolfenstein 2’s end credits music. Who is going to associate Sonic with Coolio? WHO? I’m honestly baffled. I can’t fathom the meeting where they were trying to figure out what music to put in the trailer.

 

Exect 1: What music should we go with?

Exec 2: What about a remix of the classic game music? Green Hill zone? Something that most of the people who like Sonic will recognize and show we are respecting the IP properly?

Exec 3: Nah dawg, Yo, peep this. I have a song that isn’t wiggity wack, something that is all that and a bag of chips. Two Words homie. Gangsta’s Paradise… Word to your mother.

 

That is an actual recording of the conversation word for word. It has to be. There is no other possible explanation for it. Period.

 

The reason this movie exists is solely to make money off of the idiots who think memes are funny. It is exploitation of Nostalgia, but one of the worst examples of it I’ve ever seen, since it isn’t remotely resembling any Sonic or characters of that universe in the slightest. Just a Sound effect here and a “He said the thing like the meme!!!” Which is fine by me at this point. This movie isn’t meant for me. It isn’t meant for people who actually like Sonic and enjoy the games. It’s meant for the dirtbag’s of meme culture, who think spending your money on something “ironically” is funny. I say go ahead with this movie. I say take them for all they got. Rip them off as much as you possibly can. They are idiots, they won’t miss that money anyways. Good on Paramount for making this pile of garbage, hopefully the morons who go see it will waste their money and time and life and are never able to get it back.